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Azrael

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Bitter Sweet
« on: May 30, 03, 03:05:31 pm CDT »

For some people this time of year represents the first real cook out of the year, remembering our fallen and still standing soldiers, or just getting out of work an extra day.  For me it represents the most bitter moment of my life.  May and I have an odd relationship, the 27th is my parents anniversary, the 28th is the day my father died(I was 9), and the 29th is the day his mother died(2 years after him).  So while everyone else is rembering our soldiers or having fun, I've always had a bitter sweet time of it.  I've never held it against anyone for enjoying themselves, but my plans are always overshadowed by the spectre of it.  But I've rambled long enough.  Anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you, and I didn't post my age when he died to play the sympathy card, it was to try and shed light on how deep set the bitterness is.  Oh, and please don't say your sorry, I've heard it enough and am tired of it.
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Ariana McDonnough

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 03, 03:58:29 pm CDT »

I can relate to something similar to this.

December and I have that odd relationship as well. My first son, Nicholas, was born an angel on December 15th, 1998. He would've been 10 days old for his first Christmas. The first year was the most difficult for me, but I had to keep myself out of the stress because I was pregnant with my son, Hunter.

I finally decided to "let it go" this past December when Nicholas should've been 4 years old. Around that time, I was talking to my best friend, who's birthday is in December as well. Talking to him about everything under the sun got my mind off of what should've been in my life.

Azrael, I won't give the "I'm sorry" speech to you since I can empathize. I'm not looking for the sympathy card either. Just letting you know that someone else out there knows bittersweet in life.

Keep your chin up! Someone out there is thinking of you.  :wink:
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Kylan Navon

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 03, 05:43:09 pm CDT »

*hugs*
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Ariana McDonnough

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 03, 08:37:46 pm CDT »

Quote from: "Kylan Navon"
*hugs*


 :)   :wink:  

Hugs are always good....no matter who they're from =)
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Ariana McDonnough
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Magnus

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Re: Bitter Sweet
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 03, 09:29:15 pm CDT »

Quote from: "Azrael"
For some people this time of year represents the first real cook out of the year, remembering our fallen and still standing soldiers, or just getting out of work an extra day.  For me it represents the most bitter moment of my life.  May and I have an odd relationship, the 27th is my parents anniversary, the 28th is the day my father died(I was 9), and the 29th is the day his mother died(2 years after him).  So while everyone else is rembering our soldiers or having fun, I've always had a bitter sweet time of it.  I've never held it against anyone for enjoying themselves, but my plans are always overshadowed by the spectre of it.  But I've rambled long enough.  Anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you, and I didn't post my age when he died to play the sympathy card, it was to try and shed light on how deep set the bitterness is.  Oh, and please don't say your sorry, I've heard it enough and am tired of it.


Azrael,

It is ALWAYS bitter to lose a loving father, no matter your age. I lost mine at 27 (a week before Christmas no less) and it always hurts, moreso on the holidays. ALL OF THEM. What I do is remember the good times and try to forget the bad. I have a drink to him every now and then and try to live the way he taught me as best I can.
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Ariana McDonnough

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 03, 10:01:34 pm CDT »

Magnus,

All I can say is "Amen" to that one  :)
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EireannTheRed

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #6 on: Jun 01, 03, 08:07:20 pm CDT »

I have lost many in my life. I miss them all. You never get over it.  But life does go on.  So to the four who touched my life like no other, Dad, Oma, Bradford, and Tadhg, I still love and miss you all, wherever you are!

Hugs and cheers to you Azrael.

Eireann
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Draco

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #7 on: Jun 02, 03, 03:36:02 am CDT »

I too have had loved ones pass away, but I would never say that I LOST them.

When I was 12, my Father's Mother made a passing comment that she wouldn't see my 13th birthday.  I yelled at her and told her that if she wasn't there I'd hate her forever.  She took me aside and told me that chances were that she would not be there in person, but if it were at all possible she would make sure that she would be there in spirit.  

Well, she died 6 months before my birthday, and after crying myself sick at the funeral my Father took me aside and said that he was sure that she would be watching over me from "above", because one of the last things she told him before she died was to tell me she'd see me on my birthday, so long as I remembered her and wanted her there.

One night before my birthday, I woke up at about 3 am, feeling strangely warm.  As I began to wake up, I felt someone kiss my forehead.  I sat up, thinking it was my mother checking on me, but as I cleared my eyes and looked around for her, I saw instead a hazy female figure standing at the foot of my bed with her finger to her lips.  She blew me a kiss, and her lips moved as if to say something, but no sound came out.  The figure then disappeared as the mist disolved and the only thing left was the smell of her perfume.

That was the FIRST time she visited me.  She has always appeared to me in times of stress and trouble, and I came to think of her as my personal "Guardian Angel."

She visited me after her husband, my grandfather, passed away and many times since.  One of the last times I saw her was about three years ago, while my mother was battling colon cancer.  My mother had been very sick and undergoing chemotherapy for quite some time, and had outlived all her doctors predictions of her survival.  My father and I had been prepared for her imminent demise, and I assumed my grandmother's visit was a sign that my mother's struggle was very near an end.

What I didn't know was that she had actually come to prepare me for what was to be a complete and total shock.

About a week after her visit, my father was rushed to the hospital after passing out while bicycling his usual weekend workout.  He was found to have an enlarged spleen, and was subsequently diagnosed with a rare form of very aggressive Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.  He died six months later on March 10th, almost a month to the day after his birthday on February 12th.

I moved in to my parents' place to help in the care of my mother, whose condition began to rapidly deteriorate after my father's funeral.  Within a week of moving in to my parents' I recieved my last visit from my grandmother.  This time she was not alone.  There was a male figure with her, whose features I could not make out.  I was, however certain that it was my father.  My grandmother embraced me, kissed me on the forehead as she had done on her first visit, and disappeared leaving my  father standing in the room.  He stayed there for a few moments and was then gone.

The following morning, while helping my mother with her morning routine, she mentioned that she had seen my father the previous night.  I asked her if she had dreamed it, and she said no, it was no dream.  She told me that she even checked the clock when she saw him.  I asked her what time it was, and lo and behold it was the same time that I had seen him and my grandmother.  What blew my mind was that she had actually spoken to him.  I told her that I too, had seen him, but he had not spoken to me.  She told me that if she saw him again, she would tell him that I wanted to speak to him too.

I saw him a few more times in the course of the next few months, usually passing by or through on the way to my mother's room.  Sometimes he would pause, but he never spoke.  My mother's condition continued to deteriorate to the point that by a week before her birthday on May 18th, she was barely able to communicate.  That night, I saw my father again passing by towards my mother's room and I called to him.  He paused, but did not stop, and continued on to my mother's room.

The next morning, my mother was almost her old self again.  She was awake, alert, and communicative.  All my mother's surviving relatives were in town for her birthday, and we all took this opportunity to spend time talking to her, trying to get in everything that we wanted to make sure that she knew.  We tried to cheer her up by getting her a special meal, she could barely eat, but she made a valiant effort.

That night, she told me that my father had told her that she didn't have much time left, and the next time that he came she would be going with him.

On July 9th at 10:00 pm, about an hour after most of my mother's brothers and sisters had left for the night, my father came.  He went into my mother's room and I heard her stir.  I immediately called all of her brothers and sisters and told them to come back if they wanted to be with her when she left.  I then went into my mother's room and caught a glimplse of my father sitting on the bed talking to her and caressing her.  He turned and saw me and vanished.  I told my mother that I had called everyone and that they were on their way back, and she looked at me and smiled.  She then beckoned me to sit on the bed with her, which I did.  I sat there and talked to her, telling her that I loved her and that I would miss her.  She then looked at me and said, "You won't miss me, I'm not going very far.  I'm just leaving the pain behind."  I asked her to tell my father that I loved him, to make sure he knew, and she told me that he did.  Then she said, " I'm just afraid I won't be able to hold on until everyone gets here, I want to say goodbye."

All of the family returned within the hour.  We all got to spend some time with her, telling her everything we wanted to let her know.  She passed away early in the morning of July 10th.  Four months to the day after my father.

A few weeks after my mother's funeral, I was asleep in bed in what had been my parents' bedroom, when I was again awakened by a kiss on the forehead.  When I openned my eyes, I saw my mother and father looking at me and smiling.  This time I could see them clearly... But when I sat up and tried to say something to them, they vanished.

I didn't see either of them again for a while, but I could feel their presence quite often.

Over the next couple of months, I moved back in to my boyhood home with my soon to be wife and step-daughter.  One night, after we finally settled in and had made our wedding plans, my father came to me and spoke.  I don't remember the details of the conversation, because it happened in that state of consciousness between sleep and awake... but I do know that he and I finally got the chance to say everything we ever wanted to say to each other and then we hugged.  Long and hard.  There was such an overwhelming sense of relief, that all I could do was cry.  As he left, he said, "I'll see you later..."

I had only ever cried four other times since my grandmother died.  Once, when I was 17, when my dog died; once when I was in my early 20's and saw a play that reminded me of my grandfather; Once after another pet died in my late 20's; and at my mother's funeral.

Well, he wasn't kidding when he said he'd see me later... He and my mother are constantly popping in and out of the place, playing practical jokes on us... They move little things around, particularly jewelry... They are particularly fond of peering around corners at us.  My wife has seen them, my step-daughter talks to them, and I SWEAR that my 19 month old daughter carries on complete conversations with them.

So I can say, at least for me and mine, that you never completely lose someone... so long as you remember them and are open to them being around.
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Ariana McDonnough

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #8 on: Jun 02, 03, 05:42:21 am CDT »

*wiping away the tears*  :cry:

That was so moving, Draco. I do know what you mean about having their spirits here and playing pratical jokes. Nicholas does things like that to let us know that he's there to visit.

Thank you for sharing that.  :)
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Ariana McDonnough
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Aries

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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #9 on: Jun 02, 03, 07:37:28 am CDT »

Draco,

I love you.
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Bitter Sweet
« Reply #10 on: Jun 03, 03, 12:14:39 am CDT »

Draco, I'm off to join the group of teary, damp wenches in the corner.  you are very blessed that they are still so close to you.
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