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Arias Mourns

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The very secret diaries of Aragorn,Legalos,Boromir,and Frodo
« on: Nov 16, 03, 09:29:55 am CST »

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.


Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.


Day Six:

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.

Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

Still not King.


Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.

Big Balrog.

Not King today either.



Day Eleven:

Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?


Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.

Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.


Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.

Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.

Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.


Day 32:

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.



Day 33:

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either.

RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.


Day 34:

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.

Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.


THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so ****ed. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.





God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.





THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS Part 1

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.

Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.


Day Four:

Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy human who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.

Go me!


Day Six:

Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.


Day Ten:

Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.



Day Eleven:

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.


Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.


Day 33 :

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.


Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary.

Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.

Cannot understand it.

Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.

Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.




THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part 2

Day One:

Whee!


Day Two:

I like to run!


Day Three:

I look good when I run!


Day Four:

I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?


Day Six:

Is Gimli staring at my butt?


Day Seven:

No wonder he's always lagging behind.


Day Eight:

Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.

Am still the prettiest.


Day Nine:

Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.

Still prettiest.


Day Ten:

Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.

Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.


Day Eleven:

Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?


Day Twelve:

Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self: never date Gandalf.


Day Fifteen:

Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Nineteen:

Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.


Day Twenty:

Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.


Day Twenty-seven:

Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!


Day Twenty-nine:

Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.


Day Twenty-Nine:

Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.


Day Thirty:

Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.

No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!





THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual.
He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side.

I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....

what?

Got distracted there for a bit.

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

Ooops.


Day Three:

Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.


Day Four:

Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.

Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...

Stupid Ring.


Day Four:

Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Six:

Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."

"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras."

"Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.


Day Ten:

Why isn't Aragorn into me ?


Day Eleven:

Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

Kind of liked it, actually.

Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.

Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...

In other news, Gandalf died.


Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.

Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.

Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.


Day 33 :

Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.

Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.

Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!



Day 35:

Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.





THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:

Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.


Day Three:

Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.


Day Four:

Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.

Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.


Day Six:

Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Ten:

Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

It must truly be an object of awesome power.



Day Eleven:

Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.

Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.



Day 24:

Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.



Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches.


So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them.

Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.



Day 30 :

Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.

Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?


Day 33 :

Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle.

Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.


Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.

Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
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Draco

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The very secret diaries of Aragorn,Legalos,Boromir,and Frodo
« Reply #1 on: Nov 16, 03, 04:00:36 pm CST »

::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::lol::  ::hdbang::  ::hdbang::  ::hdbang::  ::hdbang::  ::hdbang::  ::hdbang::
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The very secret diaries of Aragorn,Legalos,Boromir,and Frodo
« Reply #2 on: Nov 17, 03, 10:05:25 am CST »

Now that was F'ing funny  ::rofl2::
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The very secret diaries of Aragorn,Legalos,Boromir,and Frodo
« Reply #3 on: Nov 19, 03, 02:58:45 pm CST »

Just go to the site http://home.nyu.edu/~amw243/diaries/  She's got a whole slew of them for the first movie.

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